An Armadillo a day, keeps the boredom at bay!
365 Things to do with an
My favourite is 30th April, what is yours?
Jan 1. Eat them for a snack; they're crunchy on the outside, soft on the
inside -- [thanks for "Dime bars" for re-running the advert which started this
page about 2 years ago]
Jan 2. A shoe shiner
Jan 3. A nail file
A Tennis ball
Jan 5. A Rugby ball
Jan 6. A Hair brush
Jan 7. A
Jan 8. A Foot-stand
Jan 9. A box of nails which squeaks at
Jan 10. An Aardvark in disguise
Jan 11. A substitute cat
Jan 13. A night light
Jan 14. A Door mat
Jan 15. A Pillow
16. A Windbreak
Jan 17. Sunglasses
Jan 18. A Sunshade
Jan 19. Filler of
Jan 20. An Abacus
Jan 21. A Replacement Pentium Processor
(Armadillos CAN count, usually only to 3 though)
Jan 22. A Replacement actor
Jan 23. *** Armadillo King
Jan 24. *** Raiders of the lost
Jan 25. A Mode of transportation
Jan 26. A Politition
Jan 28. A Television Presenter
Jan 29. A Brick
Jan 30. A
Jan 31. A Board rubber
Feb 1. A Car bumper
Feb 2. An
Alternative Garfield car sticker
Feb 3. An Ashtray
Feb 4. A Whistle
5. A British rail sandwich filling
Feb 6. A Mouse mat
Feb 7. A Pen and
Feb 8. A Baseball
Feb 9. A Replacement lifeboat for the
Feb 10. A Pinboard
Feb 11. A Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy [Count
Feb 12. A Holiday villa
Feb 13. A Toothpick
Feb 14. A
Feb 15. A Small shiny thing on a stick which rocks back and
forward (like an executive toy but not)
Feb 16. An executive toy
Feb 17. A
Feb 18. A poster
Feb 19. A hat stand
Feb 20. A tree
Feb 21. A
Feb 22. A model of Penelope Pitstop on acid
Feb 23. A Car wash
Feb 24. A Bag of pennies
Feb 25. A Light fitting
Feb 26. A small
device to remove stones from horses hooves
Feb 27. A name tag
Feb 28. An
aips tape rack
Mar 1. An expert aips operator
Mar 2. A window cleaners
Mar 3. A Fire extinguisher
Mar 4. A remote controlled
Mar 5. Floor tiles
Mar 6. Space shuttle re-entry tiles
A hair clip
Mar 8. A brush for horses
Mar 9. A polarised screen
Mar 10. A shoe horn
Mar 11. A dictionary (with very few
Mar 12. A French polisher
Mar 13. An air traffic controller
14. A rack for storing marmalade
Mar 15. A different quark flavour
A filter for electromagnetic radiation
Mar 17. A watch which only tells the
correct time once a-day
Mar 18. A weight in a football to make the ball curve
in free kicks
Mar 19. A small shower
Mar 20. A Belgian marsh
Mar 21. A
small piece of chewing gum stuck under desks in secondary schools
Mar 22. A
substitute in football
Mar 23. Magic (the gathering) playing counter
24. A fuse
Mar 25. A replacement letter 'T'
Mar 26. A large South American
country (but only for exports)
Mar 27. An editor for Cosmopolitan
An indoor firework
Mar 29. A television dinner
Mar 30. A trumpet
Mar 31. A cover on your car to protect it from stray cats
Apr 1. A
dummy computer connector
Apr 2. A hard hat
Apr 3. A Manchester United
supporter - no, too clever
Apr 4. A traffic
Apr 5. Radiation detection badges
Apr 6. A stylish alternative
to model ducks
Apr 7. An air hostess
Apr 8. A pair of clogs
Apr 9. A
Apr 10. A cat-o-nine tails
Apr 11. A Frisbee
Apr 12. A
polarisation (position angle) calibration
Apr 13. A mirror
Apr 14. An
unresolved point source (if far enough away)
Apr 15. A box that goes
Apr 16. A CD player
Apr 17. A replacement 'control' key
A hole punch
Apr 19. A carburettor
Apr 20. A wok
Apr 21. A small extra
in films that only gross £260,000 (or less) at the box office
Apr 22. A
stylish alternative to turkey at Christmas.
Apr 23. A bicycle spanner
24. A low-fat alternative to spam
Apr 25. A no-use credit card
Apr 26. A
printer that goes *sniffle*
Apr 27. A cake turntable to help with
Apr 28. A piano stool
Apr 29. Speed bumps.
Apr 30. The object
that makes the scraping sound on your window when you are just going to
May 1. A jet intake cover
May 2. A member of your household that
goes *Grrrr* when salesmen come round.
May 3. A spoon that changes colour
when dipped into cold milk
May 4. Dishwasher powder.
May 5. An
un-aerodynamic cannon ball
May 6. Chariot-racing
May 7. Body armour
May 8. The crunchy bits in flapjacks
May 9. A crazy paving
May 10. As a stepping stone across crocodile-infested waters.
11. Anti-echoic tiles for submarines.
May 12. A Car sticker that *waves* as
you go over bumps.
May 13. Castors on an office chair.
May 14. A type of
booby trap that emits salad-cream at your supervisor while he wonders why you
gave him this rather than a tie for his birthday.
May 15. A scraper to remove
bothersome flies from surfaces of photocopiers.
May 16. Jacks to hold up
houses while you replace bricks from the bottom up.
May 17. A flack
May 18. A car radio that screeches at thieves if they steal
May 19. An anomaly.
May 20. A paint pot.
May 21. A chair.
22. A trombone.
May 23. A Hungarian nose picker.
May 24. A small echo
May 25. One of those things that sticks to your window and 'walks'
down it ridiculously (since we all know that walking DOWN a window is
May 26. Biscuit crumbs.
May 27. A small sparrow called Fremsley
who can be eaten for tea with chips.
May 28. One of those small toys that you
wind up and does something which initially makes you almost grin because it is
inane, before you realise it really is inane and watch it for hours.
A great big small thing.
May 30. A cotton reel.
May 31. A burnt out box of
Jun 1. An eco-friendly machine that flattens bumps in the road, but
due to manufactures recommendations it should only be used on a Friday.
2. A condom.
Jun 3. A door stop.
Jun 4. A handbag.
Jun 5. Somewhere to
store a ruler.
Jun 6. A snail that doesn't leave much of a trail.
An alternative to chewing gum if you want to leave a lock gummed up.
Jun 8. A
kinky feather type thingy used during 'adult' games.
Jun 9. A seat belt for
Jun 10. A spaceship (how could I forget something like
Jun 11. Something to stand on to give you a height advantage when you
want to give more illuminating instructions on the stock market floor.
12. A ballistic missile to fire towards an ex.
Jun 13. A catch for a steam
catapult on an aircraft carrier.
Jun 14. A tub for the containment of
Jun 15. A Christmas tree decoration.
Jun 16. A firework that won't
Jun 17. A slightly heavy stick to use in the collection of
Jun 18. A rawl plug.
Jun 19. An alternative moose.
Jun 20. A
detector to check for wanderings in a cd's laser.
Jun 21. A heat sink.
22. Not very sticky blu-tack.
Jun 23. A town crier.
Jun 24. A base for
baseball. You will have to secure it though.
Jun 25. Something to hurl out of
an aeroplane before you jump on a free-fall drop so you not only have something
to aim for, but a soft landing also.
Jun 26. Polarised sunglasses.
An object to increase the tilt on slide projectors.
Jun 28. A small ski
Jun 29. A piano stool.
Jun 30. A fountain (thanks to Stewart who has
just commented that there are a fountain of armadillo uses).
Jul 1. A
meatball in your soup.
Jul 2. A toilet role for pile-sufferers.
Jul 3. An
imitation Loch Ness Monster, to bring in tourists and make lots of money.
4. A particle accelerator.
Jul 5. Miss world.
Jul 6. A replacement for
tigers (which are becoming extinct) as long as one paints brown and yellow
stripes on them and puts them in a zoo.
Jul 7. Tie a balloon to them and let
them go, so as to fill up the holes in the ozone layer.
Jul 8. A container
for holding conjuring tricks in.
Jul 9. An address label for thin envelopes
if you want to make the postman laugh.
Jul 10. A tattoo if you squash them to
your arm (in honour of the French: tatou for armadillo).
Jul 11. A belt
buckle (in honour of the German: Gurtel - Belt, ein Gurteltier - an
Jul 12. As a camouflaged tank cover, if you stretch them
Jul 13. A microphone for karaoke.
Jul 14. A a dodgem.
Jul 15. A
plant pot if you scoop out the middle.
Jul 16. A jelly mold. (Jello for you
Jul 17. A clay pigeon.
Jul 18. A pretend girlfriend to make
Jul 19. Moon landing craft.
Jul 20. Dog food.
Jul 21. A
Jul 22. A golf hole, if you can train them to open their
mouthes for long periods.
Jul 23. A taxi (with cheap rates for students at
Jul 24. A toothpaste tube.
Jul 25. A home entertainment
centre, only if you can train them to sing and use a TV and video.
Jul 26. As
a pelotas racquet.
Jul 27. For putting over bombs, when doing a controlled
Jul 28. As flavouring for jelly.
Jul 29. A bicycle pump.
30. Remove the insides to make a radio telescope reflector.
Jul 31. A cannon
Aug 1. An actor in Australian soap.
Aug 2. A repository for
Aug 3. A store for nuclear waste that will remain
undisturbed for 100,000,000 years.
Aug 4. A holder for a Lonestar
Aug 5. A suppository for Jesse Helms.
Aug 6. A bank robbers face
Aug 7. A box of tissues (empty).
Aug 8. A bank of lights which flash
in 80's science fiction films.
Aug 9. A Loofa. Armadillos are very useful in
cold places because their appendages don't snap in cold weather and so you can
use them for all sorts of household tasks.
Aug 10. A newspaper stand.
11. A yo-yo.
Aug 12. An alternative to a pint glass to play the guitar on
when you are drunk.
Aug 13. A little wheel to mark out distances on running
Aug 14. A mask to block out the sun to create artificial solar
Aug 15. A cheap alternative to a card entry system.
National lottery balls.
Aug 17. The buckle to stop you falling out of your
Aug 18. A dentist (from the joke).[ was number 230
Aug 19. An ice lolly stick.
Aug 20. A leaf blower that has to be
Aug 21. A smoking jacket.
Aug 22. Something to post to Bill
Gates because Windows is so bad.
Aug 23. A one-off crash dummy.
Aug 24. A
Christmas tree that won't loose all it's pine needles.
Aug 25. A rather
tasteful carriage for the Royal family (gawd bless 'em).
Aug 26. A rather
naff crossword which doesn't have any spaces to fit the letters in.
Aug 27. A
congealed tub of face cream with added femtospheroids and trzs.
Aug 28. A low
velocity protrusion for a body piercing gun.
Aug 29. Prawn crackers (without
the prawns and without the crackers).
Aug 30. A very irritating Internet
connection that gives you 0 bytes per second transmission rates from time to
Aug 31. A big, black, one decker bus.
Sep 1. Re-entry chute for a
Sep 2. The button you thwack when you want the stuff to
come out of a fire extinguisher.
Sep 3. Roller boot wheels.
Sep 4. A stand
in for Bagpuss.
Sep 5. Something that squawks in badly back projected
Sep 6. A more-than stylish toupee.
Sep 7. A mile post
(look at the number).
Sep 8. A Christmas gift from Diana to Charles (or
Sep 9. A long-burning candle.
Sep 10. A lava-lamp (not my
suggestion, the lad who thought that one up said he is temporarily
Sep 11. An air horn, but only for those very large lorries.
12. A meat tenderiser.
Sep 13. A Royal food tester, or alternative food for
Sep 14. An instant pregnancy test!?! (not sure how that one
Sep 15. A happy meal toy.
Sep 16. A hockey puck for
Sep 17. An Igloo for those warmer climate countries.
Sep 18. An
Sep 19. Pizza topping. It is illegal however to order
Armadillos and peppers in odd numbered hours.
Sep 20. A snow board, but you
should not try snow boarding on an igloo.
Sep 21. A Christmas tree
Sep 22. A collection of car-accessories. Preferably those bits that
stop cars rolling down hills.
Sep 23. A packet of corn flakes without much
nutrition or even corn.
Sep 24. Shoulder pads if your dress you bought in the
sales didn't have any.
Sep 25. A slightly surprising thing to put in your
desk draw if burglars come snooping.
Sep 26. Protection for tigers (thanks to
one of Nicky's dreams for that).
Sep 27. Hollow out the 'bits' and use the
rest to hold peanuts in at parties.
Sep 28. Opera glasses, but you will need
Sep 29. Something strange to post to someone in order to baffle
Sep 30. A self-stamping franking device for birthday cards. [No, Sept
30 isn't my birthday, but Sept 30 is day 273, and my birthday is 22/2/73]
1. A test particle for the radiative forces found in a supernova remnant.
2. Shark bait.
Oct 3. A slightly awkward device that automatically erases the
magnetic material on old music tapes.
Oct 4. A thermometer. You have to be
careful though because armadillos don't have a large colour range. Very careful
measurements have to be taken.
Oct 5. A multi-cultural bagpipe.
Oct 6. A
prism that only X-rays go through and doesn't really alter the speed of the
Oct 7. Litmus paper that sinks.
Oct 8. A roll that one can
store kitchen paper on.
The following were thought of by Chris Sykes. I only
take responsibility for writing them down
Oct 9. Remove the jawbone and attach the ears to it - ear muffs
10. Use the eyes (still attached to the optic nerves) as conkers
Oct 11. Cut
the snout off and use it to wedge doors open.
Oct 12. Remove the skin off
the head and underbelly and use it, in conjunction with the ribs, as a small
Oct 13. Remove the lower intestine and use it as a garden hose.
Oct 14. Scoop out the remaining internal organs, except for the carotid
arteries and all the other squishy inside bits, use these as polyfiller.
15. Use the skull as a hat, especially handy if you want to go to fancy dress
parties as an armadillo.
Oct 16. Separate the spinal cord from the
vertebrae, use the cord as a spare belt..
Oct 17 ...and the vertebrae as
Oct 18. Remove the feet and strap them to your own feet
and hands using the carotid arteries. You can then evade anyone who is tracking
you by leaving armadillo tracks instead of human ones.
Oct 19. The larger
bones (ie the legs) should be broken in two, leaving sharp shards which can be
used as knives. This is particularly useful if you want to remove the armadillo
feet to avoid capture by crazed armadillo hunters.
Oct 20. Slice the tail
thinly and use as a sandwich filling.
Ok. Back to My mind...
Oct 21. An
eco-friendly alternative to the weights used in balancing wheels. Care must be
taken in driving over 80 miles per hour. So this can only be used in older
vehicles or tanks.
Oct 22. Un-ground coffee granules, with a slightly
Oct 23. A casing for card-entry systems.
Something heavy to throw at the television when Jeremy Beadle is on (UK joke -
UK joke --- HA!).
Oct 25. A caber for beginners.
Oct 26. A bat and ball
for the... bat and ball game (you must know what I mean!).
Oct 27. A baking
implement to make a criss-cross pattern for pastry.
Oct 28. Something to keep
pigeons away during owl vacation week.
Oct 29. A shoe scraper.
Oct 30. A
Oct 31. A scalp massager.
Nov 1. Tuba accessories.
Armour for cats so dogs cannot bite them as easily.
Nov 3. Cages for
irritating small animals.
Nov 4. Puree for interesting types of
Nov 5. The mystery ingredient in Haddock surprise pudding.
6. Flatten with rolling pin and use a PC security screen (stops children
Nov 7. A Pest Control
Nov 8. A Pest.
Nov 9. A Prime Minister.
Nov 10. A
Nov 11. An Iceberg, but not the one that *sank* the
Nov 12. An amusing looking toy for a small child, which actually
explodes showering an area 30ft (10 metres) radius with boiling hot hypochloric
acid when it has its belly-button pressed.
Nov 13. The star of the movie
"Reservoir Armadillos" starring Mr Transparent.
Nov 14. A punctuation
Nov 15. A new fragrance sold by Boots.
Nov 16. An enema device
Nov 17. Be a hero! Send them in over mine-fields.
Nov 18. After
dinner snacks, Armadillo Rockerfellers.
Nov 19. A starter bit for drilling
oil or water wells.
Nov 20. Underwater demolition as they can swim quite
Nov 21. Milling equipment for salt.
Nov 22. Bolas weights.
23. Flutes, but you will have to hollow out the insides before blowing.
24. A heavy object to throw at squirrels.
Nov 25. If you want to get closer
to nature, use one as a pillow.
Nov 26. Something to impress the ladies with,
can be used at the beach too.
Nov 27. A weight to drop on the head of
Nov 28. Be more of a country gent, use
armadillos as replacements to clay-pigeons.
Nov 29. A bomb to shove down the
trousers of a huntsman.
Nov 30. A walkie-talkie.
Dec 1. A holder for a box
of tissues, look better than the gaudy gilted one that I bought my family when I
returned from Leicester.
Dec 2. A small DRAGN (ask me about this one).
3. A very very hard gob-stopper.
Dec 4. MahJongg tiles, but cut it up into
Dec 5. You know when you go to the beach and want
something to pat down the sand for a sand castle... yep, you guessed it!
6. A cure for Creuzfeld-Jakob disease.
Dec 7. Beans.
Dec 8. A tasty
alternative to tofu.
Dec 9. A broach for the bar maid in the Black Swan, that
would impress any lass.
Dec 10. A pendant to hand round your neck so people
know you are unclean, if you study masers.
Dec 11. A firework distance
calibrator, use different sizes of armadillos to test flight
Dec 12. Fill them with helium and make a heavy-duty
Dec 13. Strap them to your feet for transportation.
Dec 14. Hook
them to a horse carriage if you have ran out of horses.
Dec 15. Use one to
stop bleeding from a puncture wound.
Dec 16. Tie a handle (or use his tail),
spin him round 'till he is dizzy, then use him as a hover-mower.
Dec 17. Use
it as a dart board.
Dec 18. A round (and therefore inefficient or low
probability) lightning conductor.
Dec 19. A spare tire.
Dec 20. Electrical
Dec 21. An astronaut.
Dec 22. A wig. [Ah, but can you die them
different colours -- Rich]
Dec 23. A footstool.
Dec 24. A turbo charger
for Mr Commane's Ford Fiesta (so it'll do 0-60 in a month). [I think that is a
private joke from the Chipping Sodbury school, but I will include it anyway --
Dec 25. Never mind the dart board, how about a shield for stopping the
darts hitting the wall (guess we need one in the office then!).
Dec 26. An
excuse, as in "Why didn't you come into work yesterday" "I had to take my
armadillo to the vet's, he swallowed a toad." "You haven't got an armadillo!"
"Good job I couldn't find a vet then" (Well I thought I had to do a couple of my
own, it's been a while...)
Dec 27. A pair of bellows to start a fire.
28. A box, full of armadillo-insides, to keep rabits in.
Dec 29. A prosthesis
for a Minbari.
Dec 30. A roller (you need three for it to work properly) to
administer ink to paper in a backward publishing company.
Dec 31. A sewing
machine needle for material with a *lot* of holes. [Happy New Year!].
to Stewart, Martin, Gav, Busaba, Eeny-Meeny, Stewart, Tony, Al, Jim, Laurel,
Preston, Chris, Deborah, Nicky, Mo, Spivey, Big Iain, JRC, Dunc, Michael, Chris,
Chipping Sodburry School (not all of them I hope!) for their contributions and
can you believe Mark found two that were the same!
Last update: 10 Mar. 97.
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