365 Things to do with an armadillo
My favourite is 30th April, what is yours?

Jan 1. Eat them for a snack; they're crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside -- [thanks for "Dime bars" for re-running the advert which started this page about 2 years ago]
Jan 2. A shoe shiner
Jan 3. A nail file
Jan 4. A Tennis ball
Jan 5. A Rugby ball
Jan 6. A Hair brush
Jan 7. A Football
Jan 8. A Foot-stand
Jan 9. A box of nails which squeaks at night.
Jan 10. An Aardvark in disguise
Jan 11. A substitute cat
Jan 12. Sex
Jan 13. A night light
Jan 14. A Door mat
Jan 15. A Pillow
Jan 16. A Windbreak
Jan 17. Sunglasses
Jan 18. A Sunshade
Jan 19. Filler of potholes
Jan 20. An Abacus
Jan 21. A Replacement Pentium Processor (Armadillos CAN count, usually only to 3 though)
Jan 22. A Replacement actor -
Jan 23. *** Armadillo King
Jan 24. *** Raiders of the lost armadillo
Jan 25. A Mode of transportation
Jan 26. A Politition
Jan 27. A Shuttlecock
Jan 28. A Television Presenter
Jan 29. A Brick
Jan 30. A Drum kit
Jan 31. A Board rubber
Feb 1. A Car bumper
Feb 2. An Alternative Garfield car sticker
Feb 3. An Ashtray
Feb 4. A Whistle
Feb 5. A British rail sandwich filling
Feb 6. A Mouse mat
Feb 7. A Pen and pencil holder
Feb 8. A Baseball
Feb 9. A Replacement lifeboat for the QE2
Feb 10. A Pinboard
Feb 11. A Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy [Count the days...]
Feb 12. A Holiday villa
Feb 13. A Toothpick
Feb 14. A System manager
Feb 15. A Small shiny thing on a stick which rocks back and forward (like an executive toy but not)
Feb 16. An executive toy
Feb 17. A cook
Feb 18. A poster
Feb 19. A hat stand
Feb 20. A tree
Feb 21. A telescope
Feb 22. A model of Penelope Pitstop on acid
Feb 23. A Car wash brush
Feb 24. A Bag of pennies
Feb 25. A Light fitting
Feb 26. A small device to remove stones from horses hooves
Feb 27. A name tag
Feb 28. An aips tape rack
Mar 1. An expert aips operator
Mar 2. A window cleaners bucket
Mar 3. A Fire extinguisher
Mar 4. A remote controlled armadillo
Mar 5. Floor tiles
Mar 6. Space shuttle re-entry tiles
Mar 7. A hair clip
Mar 8. A brush for horses
Mar 9. A polarised screen filter
Mar 10. A shoe horn
Mar 11. A dictionary (with very few words)
Mar 12. A French polisher
Mar 13. An air traffic controller
Mar 14. A rack for storing marmalade
Mar 15. A different quark flavour
Mar 16. A filter for electromagnetic radiation
Mar 17. A watch which only tells the correct time once a-day
Mar 18. A weight in a football to make the ball curve in free kicks
Mar 19. A small shower
Mar 20. A Belgian marsh
Mar 21. A small piece of chewing gum stuck under desks in secondary schools
Mar 22. A substitute in football
Mar 23. Magic (the gathering) playing counter
Mar 24. A fuse
Mar 25. A replacement letter 'T'
Mar 26. A large South American country (but only for exports)
Mar 27. An editor for Cosmopolitan
Mar 28. An indoor firework
Mar 29. A television dinner
Mar 30. A trumpet mute
Mar 31. A cover on your car to protect it from stray cats
Apr 1. A dummy computer connector
Apr 2. A hard hat
Apr 3. A Manchester United supporter - no, too clever
Apr 4. A traffic policeman
Apr 5. Radiation detection badges
Apr 6. A stylish alternative to model ducks
Apr 7. An air hostess
Apr 8. A pair of clogs
Apr 9. A drinking partner
Apr 10. A cat-o-nine tails
Apr 11. A Frisbee
Apr 12. A polarisation (position angle) calibration
Apr 13. A mirror
Apr 14. An unresolved point source (if far enough away)
Apr 15. A box that goes *ping*
Apr 16. A CD player
Apr 17. A replacement 'control' key
Apr 18. A hole punch
Apr 19. A carburettor
Apr 20. A wok
Apr 21. A small extra in films that only gross £260,000 (or less) at the box office
Apr 22. A stylish alternative to turkey at Christmas.
Apr 23. A bicycle spanner
Apr 24. A low-fat alternative to spam
Apr 25. A no-use credit card
Apr 26. A printer that goes *sniffle*
Apr 27. A cake turntable to help with icing
Apr 28. A piano stool
Apr 29. Speed bumps.
Apr 30. The object that makes the scraping sound on your window when you are just going to sleep.
May 1. A jet intake cover
May 2. A member of your household that goes *Grrrr* when salesmen come round.
May 3. A spoon that changes colour when dipped into cold milk
May 4. Dishwasher powder.
May 5. An un-aerodynamic cannon ball
May 6. Chariot-racing
May 7. Body armour plates
May 8. The crunchy bits in flapjacks
May 9. A crazy paving stone
May 10. As a stepping stone across crocodile-infested waters.
May 11. Anti-echoic tiles for submarines.
May 12. A Car sticker that *waves* as you go over bumps.
May 13. Castors on an office chair.
May 14. A type of booby trap that emits salad-cream at your supervisor while he wonders why you gave him this rather than a tie for his birthday.
May 15. A scraper to remove bothersome flies from surfaces of photocopiers.
May 16. Jacks to hold up houses while you replace bricks from the bottom up.
May 17. A flack jacket.
May 18. A car radio that screeches at thieves if they steal it.
May 19. An anomaly.
May 20. A paint pot.
May 21. A chair.
May 22. A trombone.
May 23. A Hungarian nose picker.
May 24. A small echo chamber.
May 25. One of those things that sticks to your window and 'walks' down it ridiculously (since we all know that walking DOWN a window is silly).
May 26. Biscuit crumbs.
May 27. A small sparrow called Fremsley who can be eaten for tea with chips.
May 28. One of those small toys that you wind up and does something which initially makes you almost grin because it is inane, before you realise it really is inane and watch it for hours.
May 29. A great big small thing.
May 30. A cotton reel.
May 31. A burnt out box of matches.
Jun 1. An eco-friendly machine that flattens bumps in the road, but due to manufactures recommendations it should only be used on a Friday.
Jun 2. A condom.
Jun 3. A door stop.
Jun 4. A handbag.
Jun 5. Somewhere to store a ruler.
Jun 6. A snail that doesn't leave much of a trail.
Jun 7. An alternative to chewing gum if you want to leave a lock gummed up.
Jun 8. A kinky feather type thingy used during 'adult' games.
Jun 9. A seat belt for fairground rides.
Jun 10. A spaceship (how could I forget something like that).
Jun 11. Something to stand on to give you a height advantage when you want to give more illuminating instructions on the stock market floor.
Jun 12. A ballistic missile to fire towards an ex.
Jun 13. A catch for a steam catapult on an aircraft carrier.
Jun 14. A tub for the containment of lard.
Jun 15. A Christmas tree decoration.
Jun 16. A firework that won't work.
Jun 17. A slightly heavy stick to use in the collection of conkers.
Jun 18. A rawl plug.
Jun 19. An alternative moose.
Jun 20. A detector to check for wanderings in a cd's laser.
Jun 21. A heat sink.
Jun 22. Not very sticky blu-tack.
Jun 23. A town crier.
Jun 24. A base for baseball. You will have to secure it though.
Jun 25. Something to hurl out of an aeroplane before you jump on a free-fall drop so you not only have something to aim for, but a soft landing also.
Jun 26. Polarised sunglasses.
Jun 27. An object to increase the tilt on slide projectors.
Jun 28. A small ski lift.
Jun 29. A piano stool.
Jun 30. A fountain (thanks to Stewart who has just commented that there are a fountain of armadillo uses).
Jul 1. A meatball in your soup.
Jul 2. A toilet role for pile-sufferers.
Jul 3. An imitation Loch Ness Monster, to bring in tourists and make lots of money.
Jul 4. A particle accelerator.
Jul 5. Miss world.
Jul 6. A replacement for tigers (which are becoming extinct) as long as one paints brown and yellow stripes on them and puts them in a zoo.
Jul 7. Tie a balloon to them and let them go, so as to fill up the holes in the ozone layer.
Jul 8. A container for holding conjuring tricks in.
Jul 9. An address label for thin envelopes if you want to make the postman laugh.
Jul 10. A tattoo if you squash them to your arm (in honour of the French: tatou for armadillo).
Jul 11. A belt buckle (in honour of the German: Gurtel - Belt, ein Gurteltier - an armadillo).
Jul 12. As a camouflaged tank cover, if you stretch them out.
Jul 13. A microphone for karaoke.
Jul 14. A a dodgem.
Jul 15. A plant pot if you scoop out the middle.
Jul 16. A jelly mold. (Jello for you Americans).
Jul 17. A clay pigeon.
Jul 18. A pretend girlfriend to make people jealous.
Jul 19. Moon landing craft.
Jul 20. Dog food.
Jul 21. A garden gnome.
Jul 22. A golf hole, if you can train them to open their mouthes for long periods.
Jul 23. A taxi (with cheap rates for students at the weekend).
Jul 24. A toothpaste tube.
Jul 25. A home entertainment centre, only if you can train them to sing and use a TV and video.
Jul 26. As a pelotas racquet.
Jul 27. For putting over bombs, when doing a controlled explosion.
Jul 28. As flavouring for jelly.
Jul 29. A bicycle pump.
Jul 30. Remove the insides to make a radio telescope reflector.
Jul 31. A cannon ball.
Aug 1. An actor in Australian soap.
Aug 2. A repository for biohazard material.
Aug 3. A store for nuclear waste that will remain undisturbed for 100,000,000 years.
Aug 4. A holder for a Lonestar beer.
Aug 5. A suppository for Jesse Helms.
Aug 6. A bank robbers face mask.
Aug 7. A box of tissues (empty).
Aug 8. A bank of lights which flash in 80's science fiction films.
Aug 9. A Loofa. Armadillos are very useful in cold places because their appendages don't snap in cold weather and so you can use them for all sorts of household tasks.
Aug 10. A newspaper stand.
Aug 11. A yo-yo.
Aug 12. An alternative to a pint glass to play the guitar on when you are drunk.
Aug 13. A little wheel to mark out distances on running tracks.
Aug 14. A mask to block out the sun to create artificial solar eclipses.
Aug 15. A cheap alternative to a card entry system.
Aug 16. National lottery balls.
Aug 17. The buckle to stop you falling out of your parachute harness.
Aug 18. A dentist (from the joke).[ was number 230 ]
Aug 19. An ice lolly stick.
Aug 20. A leaf blower that has to be repaired.
Aug 21. A smoking jacket.
Aug 22. Something to post to Bill Gates because Windows is so bad.
Aug 23. A one-off crash dummy.
Aug 24. A Christmas tree that won't loose all it's pine needles.
Aug 25. A rather tasteful carriage for the Royal family (gawd bless 'em).
Aug 26. A rather naff crossword which doesn't have any spaces to fit the letters in.
Aug 27. A congealed tub of face cream with added femtospheroids and trzs.
Aug 28. A low velocity protrusion for a body piercing gun.
Aug 29. Prawn crackers (without the prawns and without the crackers).
Aug 30. A very irritating Internet connection that gives you 0 bytes per second transmission rates from time to time.
Aug 31. A big, black, one decker bus.
Sep 1. Re-entry chute for a doomed spacecraft.
Sep 2. The button you thwack when you want the stuff to come out of a fire extinguisher.
Sep 3. Roller boot wheels.
Sep 4. A stand in for Bagpuss.
Sep 5. Something that squawks in badly back projected dinosaur films.
Sep 6. A more-than stylish toupee.
Sep 7. A mile post (look at the number).
Sep 8. A Christmas gift from Diana to Charles (or vice-versa).
Sep 9. A long-burning candle.
Sep 10. A lava-lamp (not my suggestion, the lad who thought that one up said he is temporarily insane).
Sep 11. An air horn, but only for those very large lorries.
Sep 12. A meat tenderiser.
Sep 13. A Royal food tester, or alternative food for royals.
Sep 14. An instant pregnancy test!?! (not sure how that one works!).
Sep 15. A happy meal toy.
Sep 16. A hockey puck for learners.
Sep 17. An Igloo for those warmer climate countries.
Sep 18. An everlasting gobstopper.
Sep 19. Pizza topping. It is illegal however to order Armadillos and peppers in odd numbered hours.
Sep 20. A snow board, but you should not try snow boarding on an igloo.
Sep 21. A Christmas tree ornament.
Sep 22. A collection of car-accessories. Preferably those bits that stop cars rolling down hills.
Sep 23. A packet of corn flakes without much nutrition or even corn.
Sep 24. Shoulder pads if your dress you bought in the sales didn't have any.
Sep 25. A slightly surprising thing to put in your desk draw if burglars come snooping.
Sep 26. Protection for tigers (thanks to one of Nicky's dreams for that).
Sep 27. Hollow out the 'bits' and use the rest to hold peanuts in at parties.
Sep 28. Opera glasses, but you will need two.
Sep 29. Something strange to post to someone in order to baffle them.
Sep 30. A self-stamping franking device for birthday cards. [No, Sept 30 isn't my birthday, but Sept 30 is day 273, and my birthday is 22/2/73]
Oct 1. A test particle for the radiative forces found in a supernova remnant.
Oct 2. Shark bait.
Oct 3. A slightly awkward device that automatically erases the magnetic material on old music tapes.
Oct 4. A thermometer. You have to be careful though because armadillos don't have a large colour range. Very careful measurements have to be taken.
Oct 5. A multi-cultural bagpipe.
Oct 6. A prism that only X-rays go through and doesn't really alter the speed of the X-rays anyway.
Oct 7. Litmus paper that sinks.
Oct 8. A roll that one can store kitchen paper on.

The following were thought of by Chris Sykes. I only take responsibility for writing them down

Oct 9. Remove the jawbone and attach the ears to it - ear muffs
Oct 10. Use the eyes (still attached to the optic nerves) as conkers
Oct 11. Cut the snout off and use it to wedge doors open.
Oct 12. Remove the skin off the head and underbelly and use it, in conjunction with the ribs, as a small tent.
Oct 13. Remove the lower intestine and use it as a garden hose.
Oct 14. Scoop out the remaining internal organs, except for the carotid arteries and all the other squishy inside bits, use these as polyfiller.
Oct 15. Use the skull as a hat, especially handy if you want to go to fancy dress parties as an armadillo.
Oct 16. Separate the spinal cord from the vertebrae, use the cord as a spare belt..
Oct 17 ...and the vertebrae as substitute cacti.
Oct 18. Remove the feet and strap them to your own feet and hands using the carotid arteries. You can then evade anyone who is tracking you by leaving armadillo tracks instead of human ones.
Oct 19. The larger bones (ie the legs) should be broken in two, leaving sharp shards which can be used as knives. This is particularly useful if you want to remove the armadillo feet to avoid capture by crazed armadillo hunters.
Oct 20. Slice the tail thinly and use as a sandwich filling.
Ok. Back to My mind...
Oct 21. An eco-friendly alternative to the weights used in balancing wheels. Care must be taken in driving over 80 miles per hour. So this can only be used in older vehicles or tanks.
Oct 22. Un-ground coffee granules, with a slightly different taste.
Oct 23. A casing for card-entry systems.
Oct 24. Something heavy to throw at the television when Jeremy Beadle is on (UK joke - UK joke --- HA!).
Oct 25. A caber for beginners.
Oct 26. A bat and ball for the... bat and ball game (you must know what I mean!).
Oct 27. A baking implement to make a criss-cross pattern for pastry.
Oct 28. Something to keep pigeons away during owl vacation week.
Oct 29. A shoe scraper.
Oct 30. A roach clip.
Oct 31. A scalp massager.
Nov 1. Tuba accessories.
Nov 2. Armour for cats so dogs cannot bite them as easily.
Nov 3. Cages for irritating small animals.
Nov 4. Puree for interesting types of cheesecake.
Nov 5. The mystery ingredient in Haddock surprise pudding.
Nov 6. Flatten with rolling pin and use a PC security screen (stops children accessing alt.sex.tasteless.dead.armadillos).
Nov 7. A Pest Control device.
Nov 8. A Pest.
Nov 9. A Prime Minister.
Nov 10. A Cod-Piece.
Nov 11. An Iceberg, but not the one that *sank* the Titanic.
Nov 12. An amusing looking toy for a small child, which actually explodes showering an area 30ft (10 metres) radius with boiling hot hypochloric acid when it has its belly-button pressed.
Nov 13. The star of the movie "Reservoir Armadillos" starring Mr Transparent.
Nov 14. A punctuation mark.
Nov 15. A new fragrance sold by Boots.
Nov 16. An enema device (ouch).
Nov 17. Be a hero! Send them in over mine-fields.
Nov 18. After dinner snacks, Armadillo Rockerfellers.
Nov 19. A starter bit for drilling oil or water wells.
Nov 20. Underwater demolition as they can swim quite well.
Nov 21. Milling equipment for salt.
Nov 22. Bolas weights.
Nov 23. Flutes, but you will have to hollow out the insides before blowing.
Nov 24. A heavy object to throw at squirrels.
Nov 25. If you want to get closer to nature, use one as a pillow.
Nov 26. Something to impress the ladies with, can be used at the beach too.
Nov 27. A weight to drop on the head of condescending work-colleagues.
Nov 28. Be more of a country gent, use armadillos as replacements to clay-pigeons.
Nov 29. A bomb to shove down the trousers of a huntsman.
Nov 30. A walkie-talkie.
Dec 1. A holder for a box of tissues, look better than the gaudy gilted one that I bought my family when I returned from Leicester.
Dec 2. A small DRAGN (ask me about this one).
Dec 3. A very very hard gob-stopper.
Dec 4. MahJongg tiles, but cut it up into manageable squares.
Dec 5. You know when you go to the beach and want something to pat down the sand for a sand castle... yep, you guessed it!
Dec 6. A cure for Creuzfeld-Jakob disease.
Dec 7. Beans.
Dec 8. A tasty alternative to tofu.
Dec 9. A broach for the bar maid in the Black Swan, that would impress any lass.
Dec 10. A pendant to hand round your neck so people know you are unclean, if you study masers.
Dec 11. A firework distance calibrator, use different sizes of armadillos to test flight characteristics.
Dec 12. Fill them with helium and make a heavy-duty balloon.
Dec 13. Strap them to your feet for transportation.
Dec 14. Hook them to a horse carriage if you have ran out of horses.
Dec 15. Use one to stop bleeding from a puncture wound.
Dec 16. Tie a handle (or use his tail), spin him round 'till he is dizzy, then use him as a hover-mower.
Dec 17. Use it as a dart board.
Dec 18. A round (and therefore inefficient or low probability) lightning conductor.
Dec 19. A spare tire.
Dec 20. Electrical parts (!)
Dec 21. An astronaut.
Dec 22. A wig. [Ah, but can you die them different colours -- Rich]
Dec 23. A footstool.
Dec 24. A turbo charger for Mr Commane's Ford Fiesta (so it'll do 0-60 in a month). [I think that is a private joke from the Chipping Sodbury school, but I will include it anyway -- Rich]
Dec 25. Never mind the dart board, how about a shield for stopping the darts hitting the wall (guess we need one in the office then!).
Dec 26. An excuse, as in "Why didn't you come into work yesterday" "I had to take my armadillo to the vet's, he swallowed a toad." "You haven't got an armadillo!" "Good job I couldn't find a vet then" (Well I thought I had to do a couple of my own, it's been a while...)
Dec 27. A pair of bellows to start a fire.
Dec 28. A box, full of armadillo-insides, to keep rabits in.
Dec 29. A prosthesis for a Minbari.
Dec 30. A roller (you need three for it to work properly) to administer ink to paper in a backward publishing company.
Dec 31. A sewing machine needle for material with a *lot* of holes. [Happy New Year!].

Richard Ogley
Last update: 10 Mar. 97.

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